– I’m just kind of
concerned at how, like, after Jay-Z said he was
partnering with the NFL, like every black person
started watching football game. Because my Timeline
is just straight people who talk about football. Like, I mean, a couple of weeks
ago, we were all protesting. And now I’m the only
asshole that’s protesting. So I don’t know what the
fuck y’all tweeting about. [INTERPOSING VOICES] You’re talking
about Daniel Jones. I’m like, who is this nigga?
I’m kneeling in my living room. I’m not watching this shit. If I tweet about it, I’m
gonna get an email from Colin Kaepernick like, yo, really? No, we going to the
Roc Nation brunch. Oh, yeah, no, we won’t. We’ve spoken to several
people at Roc Nation and informed them that if we
do not go to Roc Nation brunch, there is not going to
be a Roc Nation brunch. It’s your boy, Desus Nice. That’s right, I’m the
Kid Mero, you cowards. I know you miss us.
– That’s right. We took a little vacation. We said we were going
away for two weeks. We lied like a father
running away from a family they don’t like. And we’re going to come back
and try to make TV for you. Did we leave pop culture? Do we not eat, breathe,
and live this shit? The zeitgeist runs
through my dick. I actually– I
actually do not. I’ve been locked in my
basement smoking weed. He don’t know shit.
Have you looked at his tweets? I don’t even know. Mero’s tweets are like,
whoa, what happened? Yo, I’m like, yo, [INAUDIBLE]? You’re like, what,
Trump choked on a peach? MERO: What the fuck?
– No, nigga. It’s impeachment. Yo, Nancy Palooka? You can always
tell when Mero don’t know shit, because you’ll say
something, he’ll be like, word. Word, yeah.
That’s what’s up. Yeah, OK.
– He’s like, word, that’s crazy. Also he’s like, yo,
what about Hunter Biden? Like, who? Nigga, we don’t
know who that is. Who the fuck is
Hunter Biden, dawg? Hunter Biden’s
the the Ukraine. Like, who? Who? What is this, six black shits? Also, shout out to Joe
Biden, he’s like, no, we not gonna let that slide.
– Yo– – You’re not doing nothing, Joe.
– Yo. Joe, chill. You gotta pump it up, you good. Stop. He’s like, yeah, you
send your other son’s girl, what’s good with that. I would never–
– Oh, yeah. That’s messy shit.
MERO: Yeah, I would never– That’s what he
should have brought up. – You know what I’m saying?
– Forget the Ukraine shit. Be like, yo, what the fuck
is going on with your family? Yeah.
Yo, just everybody– just– Why is y’all family
reunion like match.com, That shit is disgusting. I go to the barbecue,
Christian Mingle in this bitch. Let me say hi to my
niece-slash-sister-in-law. Like, wow. How you be at your brother’s
funeral like, damn, she looking right? Damn. Damn, You wearing the shit
outta that veil, girl. Yo. Yo, yo, I heard you single now. Yo! Yo, it’s a closed casket. Don’t even look at the homey. Oh, wow, you in the front row? I’m in the front row. – Yo, what’s good?
– Wow! Holy shit, how you doing? You don’t even gotta
change the Netflix login. Yo, what you doing after this? Uh, f–king you. [BOTH CHUCKLING] Whom? Did he got
cancelled, or did he get $20 million from Netflix? Yeah, exactly. I was like, yo, cancel
the shit out of me. Because if that’s a cancel,
cancel us right now, nigga. I’m like, bro, what do I
got to say to get 20 million? And what’s the deal with
women wanting to drive? They’re like, get
him out of here. Get him out of here. Yo, I– Babies can’t talk. Everyone’s like, boo. Boo. All old people
should be killed. That’s right.
MERO: You know what I’m saying? That’s right. Netflix is just like, so, you
want 20 million each, or– also a lot of people that were
explaining the Chappelle shit, they were breaking it
down, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, people were
breaking it down like it was critical funny humor. Like, yo, so, boom,
so y’all, this hot yeah. I was like, you sound like
you just came home from jail. All right, don’t explain
it to me like jail talk. They’re like, he’s talking on
the stuff you can’t talk about. I was like, well, if he’s
talking about the stuff you can’t talk about
but he talks about it– [INTERPOSING VOICES] Or I’ll just do
the barbershop. So I was like, yo,
shut the fuck up! Yo fuck out of here. Fuck out of here. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Yo, I think you got
diesel, you got corny, fuck out of here.
– Shut that nigga up. Anyway, Tupac’s
still alive, nigga. Word. That hologram was no hologram. That’s right. He in Cuba. Shit was real. Oh, Tekashi snitched
on the entire planet, you know what I’m saying,
in the course of 40 hours. I think that was– his snitching wasn’t–
he wasn’t doing– he was like, Cardi B is a Blood. OK, what does the B
in Cardi B stand for? Like– Like– Everyone was like, yo! Oh! He was like, Jim
Jones is a Blood. Everybody knows that. Have you not seen,
like, the third– He was the Blood,
boom, One Eyed Willy. DESUS: Exactly.
MERO: Blood gang, Blood gang– DESUS: To the city. I got nervous.
I was watching. I was like, he gonna
snitch on us next. Shit. I have no gang affiliations
whatsoever at all, you know what I’m saying? They saying he’s going
to get, like, a year. He’ll be out next year.
– Yeah. He’ll be out in a week.
DESUS: He’ll be fine. No, he’s at fucking– he’s probably at 16 Handles
right now, getting some froyo. You know what’s fucked up? He’s definitely going
to be on our show. Oh, absolutely.
DESUS: Definitely. First musical guest. He’s going to be on the
show because he’s like, people are still gonna fuck with him. Because as a 15-year-old on
COMPLEX Instagram told me, yeah, you would
have snitched, too. I was like, shut
the fuck up, Brian. I will do an easy 15
just to be on the block. Like, y’all ain’t snitch. Yeah.
MERO: Sup. Now give me my correction–
MERO: You know what I’m saying? Give me my correctional
glasses and shit. Yeah. My street credibility is way
more important than my family. All right, now, if you don’t
mind, I’m going to the rec room to watch “Days of Our Lives.” Get the fuck out of here. I’m watching novellas. Y’all niggas trying
to change the channel, I’ll fuck one of y’all up. Yo, can I borrow–
can I borrow the one porno magazine we got? Yes, you can. Here’s the 1989 “Black Tail.” Thank you. Featuring Blu Cantrell. Yo, watch the door. I’m about to beat my meat. That’s an untapped market. Like, there’s got going to be
a market for, like, jail porn. Like, if you just put
go pros in jail cells while motherfuckers
are jerking off. Like–
– Do you want to know what? I’m about to blow your mind. They do Barbie porn
in jail, because you can’t sell direct porn. MERO: Oh, that’s right. So what they do,
they take Barbie dolls, and they bend them
into positions as if they’re having sex. And they can’t legally
take that away from you. And I mean, jail teaches
you patience and imagination and, well, you know– The next thing
you know, you’re– your mattress. You’ve beaten the shit out
of fucking Ken and Skipper. – You know what I’m saying?
– Yo. Fuck it, you know
what I’m saying? Like, yo, tear a backup
in that ’57 Chevy, yeah. Listen, you learn how
to– a lot of things when you’re locked up. Yeah. MERO: You know what I’m saying? Yeah, yeah. A fucking can of
tuna, your mattress, a shower head, that
hole in the wall that has a mosquito nest in it. Yeah. Niggas putting their dicks in
between the hinge of the door and beating it.
– You know what I’m saying? Like, fuck it. Lock in. You put your dick
in there, ka-pow. You got 15 years, you
got a lot of time to think. Oh, yeah, true. Yeah, that was, like, a
phenomenon for, like, two days. That was like a little
insanity of chicken sandwiches. Like, motherfuckers
are like, yo, Popeye’s got a chicken sandwich. Like, yeah, they’ve had
chicken for, like, 40 years. That was weird because
apparently the people in Harlem said, that sandwich was
out for, like, four months. So– I never got it. I went to Harlem, and
then I was like, yo, let me get out of
here because I’m gonna get shot in this Popeye’s. Because if you think about
it, it’s like chicken, it’s black people, and, like,
people under high stress. Like, the workers was tight,
the people trying to get this– that’s the place
you get shot at. It’s too much sodium. It makes you aggie. “Top Boy,” where’s
my food, meat? Show the “Top Boy.” Where’s my food, innit? They were so good, so good. Drake got– Netflix
offered some money, and it’s so much
better this season. Like, we gotta be in
there next season. I gotta work on
my British accent. No, we just go there
with American accents. Oh, OK. I’m, like, what
the fuck is this? Pounds? You’re buying crack with pounds? I’m like, yo, I don’t
respect a dude that’s gonna run up on me with
a switchblade, like, (COCKNEY ACCENT) hey, mate? You gotta hit me with
a wrinkle or some shit. You gotta learn
about knife crime. Niggas was getting– I wasn’t taking getting
stabbed seriously, but now “Top Boy”
got me, like, yo– I mean, when
you’ve been stabbed. Every time you get
stabbed is not the same. OK? Well, you’ve been
stabbed more than once. No, there’s different parts. Like, you could bleed out. Like– I’m aware. DESUS: Listen– I’ve been stabbed. You haven’t been
stabbed right. How about that? Also, I was watching
my cousin from England, and she was like,
this is all bullshit. She was like, this would
never happen in England. They have mad access to
guns, and they’re like, driving around in Range Rovers. She was like, no,
no one has this. MERO: That’s wild. Seven guns, which is more
than the amount of guns actually in the– In the entire United Kingdom. Yo! DESUS: Swearing by White Claw. You know about White Claw? Because at first I was
like, how good could it be? I had it once. And then I went to a
bodega to get some wraps. And they had up a sign.
It was like, no more White Claw. And I was like, oh shit,
shit’s selling out? And papi was like, yeah. So I bought a box, and
I’ve been sipping on them. And it’s, like,
acceptable vodka. Like, if you just
came– if right now I had to take the wild bottle
of Ciroc to the face, like, you guys would
be like, go to rehab. But White Claw,
it’s like whimsical. Bro, that is, like, the
official drink of white women. His wife was fucking
them up in Miami, really. Yo. Yo!
Yo! And that shit is
like– what is it, like, 20% alcohol by volume? It’s like white woman Four Loko,
B. Like, this shit is crazy. It’s cool. It’s like a nice, smooth–
it doesn’t– MERO: You know what I’m saying? You know, it’s not
like a nutcracker. It don’t make you wild,
but it creeps up on you. Yeah.
It makes you– By the end of the night, you
want to talk to the manager. White Claw is the drink
of white supremacists. Because think about it–
the White Claw on America? Kawhi Leonard is
the drink of choice. That new Ta-Nehisi Coates is
fire, though, the Water Dancer. Read with us, Oprah’s Book Club. Hell yeah!
You crazy? I was hype. Oprah sent us a
letter, and that shit said, “from Harpo Productions.”
and I was like, all right. I was like, boy, we here. I was like, yo, which one of
my kids do I gotta sacrifice? Oprah don’t know what
a mistake she made. I was like– yo,
I picked my dog up. I was like, I will hang
this little bitch upside down right now and sacrifice. We gonna see here,
be like, yo, yo, Ope! Yo, big up, yo.
– Oprah! What up? DESUS: Yo, Oprah. “Color Purple.” Gang shit. Harpo! You know what I’m saying? Oprah needs shooters. Oprah needs shooters. Remember Oprah’s
Chief Keef’s aunt? “Desus & Mero” on Showtime,
coming back to you when? October 14, we will
be back, returning, you know what I’m
saying, to the airwaves. We’ll be back.
MERO: You know what I’m saying? All new guests,
all new jokes– MERO: All of that. Maybe. Maybe not. I have J-Lo. – No.
– Maybe not. – Probably not.
– I don’t know. It’ll be good, though.
We’ll be back. Like, what else are you–
what are you doing right now Mondays and Thursdays, huh? What are you watching at 11:00? [THEME MUSIC]