This is the Allspark. It’s a fancy magic cube that turns machines into dangerous product placement We must get it back Because… well Megatron wants it and we basically just stop everything Megatron wants to do. Because he’s evil Anyway, that’s enough backstory. Let’s get to know a bunch of people who aren’t transformers. All right team introduce yourselves I bring the one-liners I know spanish. I’m gonna die first And I have a baby. What up, baby? I don’t want you being a soldier What if something bad happen to you? Nothing bad is gonna happen? Hey Everyone! Wanna die?! Oh no! Something bad happened! Hey Hey! Imma steal yo data! Identity theft is no joke! It’s time for show-and-tell. Thanks JJ Abrams’s I brought a bunch of old stuff for my great-grandfather because it’ll be important to the plot later. These were his glasses Lame! I hope I get to learn more about those glasses. Hey, Dad, where we going? Getting you a car! Heck yes! I want this one! Looks like a bumblebee. So cool! You don’t want the yellow Volkswagen? A Volkswagen named bumblebee? What is this the eighties? This car’s not for sale. Come on pretty please. I said no That’ll be $4 ladies and gentlemen You aren’t gonna believe this But our Internet just got hacked! and you guys are the biggest bunch of Smarties in all the land So I want you to try to figure out what this soundwave is saying I don’t know which one of you can do this. But my money is on the hottie in the middle This is a Michael Bay picture after all and she is the most Victoria Secret looking one out of a bunch of you. Oh Dude! Mikaela’s here. Act natural. Like this? you guys are losers. Let’s go a little bunny. Gross! I will not be objectified. I’m not just eye candy Your mind is so sexy! Meanwhile, on the president’s airplane Time for snack Dang it not again! five-second rule Omnomnom Eeeeeewwwwww OMG! I think I hear them hacking again! I knew you figured out Hacking! What did you find? This boy has the glasses we need! Man I wish the Transformers would do some Transformers stuff in this Transformers movie Surprise Suckas! Blaaaw I’ve been impaled. OMG run! I’m sorry, you’re saying you’re fighting a mechanical scorpion? Yeah and it’s totally stronger than us except now it’s just standing around doing nothing so we could call it an air strike Copy that! Oooow! There’s only one man who can decipher this Soundwave What up? I need your help! Sure! just let me put my Decepticon code in, Oooo this is interesting. Hey, isn’t this illegal? Freeze! This is illegal! Wow you guys are fast! Help! My cars chasing me! Oh thank god! The Police! What is happening?! Are you the ladies man from the internet? Hehe you know it. Give me your glasses! NO! Buy them from the store! Hey baby! There’s a robot cop chasing me Quick! Get in my magic car! Fine. Whatever. How are you not freaking out right now? Oh man. My car’s just like that evil robot car. Except this one is nice to me Gooooood morning Vietnam! And he talks in movie quotes! My name’s Forrest, Forrest Gump. So.. what are you? Some kind of space robot from space? Houston we have a problem. Autobots, let’s get that all spark! Bye starting with what we do best… Property Damage! It’s about time you guys showed up! It’s only been an hour in this movie. My name is Optimus Prime. And I like to say things like… No matter the cost! And… Megatron must be stopped! But most importantly… My name is Optimus Prime. You can talk? We learned your language from the world wide web But we did not learn how to purchase your Allspark Glasses… that were also on the world wide web. L. O. L. My glasses? Allow me to tell you an augmented reality backstory. Oh wow you guys really prepared for this presentation. Our planet was at war Because Decepticons and Autobots can never agree. The Allspark was lost to space And Megatron crashlanded on earth looking for it. Don’t ask me how I know that part and why it took me this long to get here. Anyway. Megatron printed a map to the Allspark on your gran pappy’s glasses. So we must retrieve them. Not so fast! You’re under arrest! Wut? Why? For talkin to space robots! you guys are criminals! Criminals are hot! Ich! You’re really creepy. You’re going to jail for the rest of your life! No! you should not have don that! Why? What are you gonna do? Pee on me? Ugh! Bumblebee! you didn’t have to actually go there! Come on! Get on my shoulder, you two. Aaaaaagh! Do not worry! I will soften your fall with my metal feet! Oh nononononononononononononoonononnononnonono They’re taking Bumblebee! He’s a good guy you guys! Can’t you hear the sad music? Optimus! You wanna go down there and save everyone just like we did two seconds ago? Nah. We got what we need. Welcome everyone! It’s time for you to see some crazy stuff! This is the badguy robot. Don’t worry. He’s frozen. And this is the Allspark thing they’ve been looking for this whole time. Why do you have them right next to each other? Plot device. This is really bad. Don’t worry. They’ll never find us in here. Found them. Decepticons Attack! You gotta free Bumblebee! No! Come on…. Pretty Please? Okay! Alright Bumblebee, do your robot magic! Expecto Patronum! Alright there’s about to be a battle. We’ve gotta hide that cube! Let’s take it to a heavily populated area! But wont that lead to more casualties? Heavily populated area! I…. am….. MEGATRON! Well hello, Megatron! My name is.. Blaaarrahaaaaaaagh! Hey Megatron! You failed me again, Starscream. But I unfroze you! You failed me again! Why’d we bring this cube to the city again? So the explosions will look cooler. The what?! Game over man! Game over! You want me to take the cube? You’ve gotta go to the top of that building, Sam! Do any of you space robots wanna take me up there really fast? Nah. You can do it. But this is taking way longer though! Hey helicopters! I’m right here! I heard that! Save us, Optimus! Nah. Gimme that cube! No! Fine. You dead! Do not worry, Sam! I will catch you with my metal hand! Ugh! That still really hurt! Time for more property damage! Hey! Someone will have to pay for that! Sam! Megatron is too big and strong. I can not defeat him. You must push the Allspark into my chest. Destroying it and me. But then Megatron will still be here and you’ll be dead. That doesn’t make any sense. Oh. Good point! Put it in his chest instead! Okay! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I’m deeeeeeeeead! but not really Spoiler Alert. My name is Optimus Prime. I send this message to all remaining Autobots. Come to Earth. We need more sequels! We will be here… watching Sam and Mikaela make out on Bumblebee. no matter the cost.