Thief! Thief! Thief.. Thief! You are a thief
because you stole my heart. Moron! A thief has broken into my house
and you’re dancing here! You never dance with me
even when a thief hasn’t broken in. I would rather dance
in a random wedding procession than dance with you! Look at the way she thinks!
She would rather dance in a wedding procession. God has blessed her
with a pretty face so she wants to go
to a wedding procession and loot those people. If I loot all the money how will you survive,
beggar? If you’re done talking
gibberish please do something a thief has broken
into my house. My sister and her husband
have gone out. You should have told me
about this earlier so that I could ask the thief
to come tomorrow and I would rob the house today. You are only capable of dreaming
and incapable of doing anything. I will call the inspector..
– Okay, call him quickly.. Hello! Hello! Inspector!
– Hello! Hello..
– Hello, Inspector.. Inspector…
– Hello! Hello! I can’t hear you, ma’am..
– Hello, Inspector! Can’t you see?
I am attending a phone call. Hello.. I called you, Inspector.
– Yes.. – Hello.. Hello..
– Hello.. You are calling me even though
I am standing in front of you. Do you have to speak to me
in private? Let me tell you,
I am married. But..
My wife left me. Why? Well, she had a car
and I asked her to drop me so, she left me. Women are unreliable. One day, she will surely
leave you. Excuse me! Why would I leave him
when I don’t even like him? I knew, your choice
wouldn’t be so bad. I am not particularly fond
of you, okay? Very good. I had a feeling,
your choice wouldn’t be so bad. Inspector, are you here
as a matchmaker? No, my brother is a matchmaker.
His name is Gopichand. Last week, he got a match
for a 70 year-old-man. What.. – He arranged
his marriage with a 20-year-old girl. Sir, ask him to find someone
for me. Sure!
There’s a 60-year-old woman. Shall we arrange your marriage
with her? What will I do
with a 60-year-old woman? Sir, I am 30 years old. How can I marry
a 60-year-old woman? Are you 30 years old?
– Yes.. Consider that you’ll be marrying
twice by marrying
a 60 year-old-woman. 30 multiplied by two,
it’s equal to 60. If you guys are done
with matchmaking shall we do something
productive? A thief has broken
into my house. Inspector, please nab him! A thief has broken in?
– Yes! I will nab him.
It’s not a big deal. First, serve me some tea
and snacks. Give me Rs. 5000. Are you demanding bribe? It’s your right to protect
the civilians and you get a salary for it. Why don’t you do
what’re paid to do? You’re a phony! Shut up! Are you going to nab the thief or shall I call
the commissioner? Go ahead, call him.
He doesn’t talk to me because he’s upset with me. Oh-Uh!
Why is upset with you? I danced with his wife
so he’s upset. What’s the big deal
in dancing? I had no idea kissing wasn’t allowed
during dancing. But someone told me later that no one kisses
while they dance. I didn’t know
that. I get carried away after getting drunk. But it was too late. I got caught during the act. I got caught while
I was kissing her. You know.. But.. I love dancing.
– Wow.. I got a call
from the ‘Super Dancer’. Really?
What did they say? They asked me to talk sense
into Archana because she constantly
calls Shilpa Shetty. Why? They told me Archana threatens Shilpa,
her Raj Kundra is in her liar. She threatens to kill Shilpa if she doesn’t stop
judging in the show. Please don’t so such things. Don’t create problems
in her life. Okay. Tell me.. What time did the robbery
take place? It hasn’t happened yet.
– Really? The police has arrived before
the crime has taken place. Please applaud.
– For the first time.. Look.. I want this news to spread
to the media. Do this..
– Okay.. Call America, I want to talk
to President Obama. Obama isn’t the president
anymore. Modi is governing there as well! I had predicted earlier
that Modi will win. Describe the thief. I think he’s the thief
but describe him, anyway. I have only seen his shadow. What? Were you getting married
to him? Come on, go and have
a good look at the thief. I don’t think
you can do anything. I will catch the thief.
– Do not dare to approach other men
when I am around! Hey, caveman! I would be better if she
approaches inanimate objects than approaching you. Hey! What is this? Get lost!
– Oh, God! Why are you guys making noise? Oh.. Such a huge woman! Hey, leave all that.
It’s been so long since you came here
for a massage. And you owe me money too.
– Shut up! I wonder what oil she uses.
She massaged my shoulders and removed my three stars. She demoted me to a constable
from an inspector. Your massage is useless.
For the first ten minutes I feel relaxed,
then again, I feel lethargic. You give a useless massage. Tell me something. Why are you
causing a commotion at night? You, Aurangzeb’s filthy sock! You know what? Aurangzeb’s elephants used to
break wind on people like you. Oh, God!
– She blabbers. My God!
That’s a first one. It means, I really have
a lot to learn on this show. Please! A thief has entered
my house. Please nab him. Yes.
– Blah, blah, ‘nab him’! Don’t worry. The inspector is a good man.
– Yes. He is very brave, you know.
His bravery tales are published in the newspaper.
– Yes. – Yes. I read the news in the paper
about incident when you went to nab a big goon,
D’Souza. – Yes, D’Souza. – Yes? So, D’Souza had hit him
below the belt, literally. Like this. Yes, that was a secret mission..
– Secret. …which the thugs had planned
to beat me. See, Ms. Archana,
this profession is such that sometimes, the thugs beat me up.
– Yes. and other times,
I get beaten by thugs. – I see! To this goes on, tit for tat. Sir, don’t you think only person
is getting beaten up here? You, exhausted fox
tamed by the Mughals! Who asked you to interrupt?
– No, say something to him related to Aurangzeb.
– Aurangzeb! Yes and it should especially
include breaking wind, too. Shut up! Constable. – Yes?
– Sorry, I mean, Inspector. Constable? For a moment, even I
believed I was a constable. Couldn’t you correct me? Can’t
you see my three stars here? Please catch the thief.
Please! I will catch the thief
but I have some conditions. Say it. What..
– What.. Blah, blah.. As soon as I catch the thief..
– Yes? – Yes? – Yes? You will welcome me with
flowers and garlands. – Oh, my! Okay.
– And the media must be informed that Inspector Shamsher
is the best. Okay. – Okay.
But what if you do not return? Who is this woman
who speaks negative? Who has allowed her here? Put her in a zoo. I’m going now.
Please motivate me. You know what?
I get scared inside. I have this problem. Okay? So, try to cheer me up.
– Yes. – All right? Come out! Bhuri, don’t be afraid. The inspector will
catch the thief soon. Chandu! – Yes? – There is
no sound coming from inside. I am scared. – No,
don’t be afraid. Let me ask him. Inspector, are you all right? Be careful!
If something happens to him this show will be doomed. Oh! Yes, absolutely! Well, tell me something. Who had seen the thief?
– Bhuri did.. Bhuri, I’ll beat you
black and blue. What happened?
– What happened? You said it was a thief
and sent me into the lion’s den! Oh! Lion!
– Lion! No!
– Lion! Hey! Quickly get me some new pants.
I have wet mine. And listen, get a few
XXL size diapers. The way I’m terrified,
they will hold till evening. Inspector,
have you caught the lion? I have but it won’t let me go. I see.
– Tell me something. How many injections are needed
when a lion bites you? None, sir! Because no one
escapes from a lion alive. What? Hey, I have an idea!
– What? – What? – What is it? I’ll be right back. What? What do we do now? Bhuri.
– What do we do? There is only one way to save
yourself from a lion. – What? Let’s run away. Hey! Oh, my! Hey.. I caught you! Where are you
running away with this kangaroo? You, ice bear, your relative,
Mr. Lion, is here. Ice bear!
– Yes. We were planning to save our lives.
– A lion? There is a lion in our house.
– In our house? A lion with a mane?
Hang on.. If there is a lion in the house,
quickly go to the cow shed. My buffalo is all alone there. What if the lion devours me?
– But the buffalo is alone. A goat can be sacrificed to
save my buffalo. Not a big deal! Brother-in-law! Listen, no one needs
to go anywhere. The inspector has gone inside.
We’ll soon hear his screams. Nice!
– The inspector.. He’s here. Hey! What..
What happened to your clothes? There is a designer in there. Kapil! Lovely! – Go in. He will
design similar clothes for you. You, woman with weird face!
You have betrayed me! You lied to me that it was
a thief when it’s a lion. So cute! – Listen, Thank God
that you are okay. Now tell me,
what do we do about the lion? Well, it’s up to the lion now.
What can we do anyway? Hey! Wait.
Listen. No need to panic. I have called up Mukesh. Yes, he is coming to pick me up. Hey.. That’s not fair. Where will we go?
– Fret not. I’ll call the forest department
right away. Hello!
Forest Officer? Are you guys busy?
No worries. Send the animal control
officers. Okay, bye. I informed them. I have an idea to save
ourselves from the lion. What?
– What? – What? Let me get it right away. Sapna, I’m panicking.
Help.. Are you panicking?
Are you feeling nervous? I’m panicking
because of the lion! Then go in
and consume rat poison. How can I eat your food? Let me
go and have something else. Hey.. Hey, listen!
Listen up! Is this the house
where there is a lion’s cub? Wow! Hand me the letter.
– What is this? I’m not a postman.
– Then? I’m a forest officer.
A postman wears full pants. But look, I’m wearing shorts. Don’t worry,
you can give half a letter only. Are you a forest officer?
– Yes, I am. Where is the lion?
Call it fast. I’ve left my sleep and come. Is it so?
I had left my sister-in-law and come. What is the connection
between the two? She was sleeping. You want answer
for every question, fatso. No..
– The lion tore my pants. I wonder which part
of your body it will tear! He’s speaking rubbish.
– No problem. I made a mistake.
Don’t be angry. It just came out of my mouth. Just go inside. And see what all comes out. Let me recite a poem. ‘Surprise yourself so much..’ ‘Surprise yourself so much’ ‘that people will say, ‘Surprise
is okay, when are you’ ‘becoming fearless?’ What is this?
– Wow.. What connection
it has with this? – With this? It has no connection.
It’s the producer’s show. Tell him this. It’ll make
him happy. Nothing else. Hey! Broken ankle bells,
stop clinking. Tell me something.
Are you confident of catching the lion? Yes. – But I am confident
that the lion will catch him. It’s very ferocious.
– Ignore them. Tell me how you’ll
catch the lion. Listen, for that, we’ll have
to wait till tomorrow morning. I see. You’ll catch it
when it is doing yoga? He is blabbering.
– It’s not like that. Listen to me carefully. Look here, I’ve brought a rope
with me. – I can see that. We’ll weave a net at night. As soon as it’s morning,
we’ll put it on the lion. And I’ll catch it.
How’s that? I swear if you had a neck, I
would’ve strangled you by now. Crazy guy! Listen, don’t speak nonsense. Take this with you. And bring the measurement
of the lion. The length and width.
We’ll weave the net accordingly. In case, the net
turns out small. Should I take
the lion’s measurement? – Yes. Do you want to get me killed?
– No. You are blabbering,
you timid fellow. What’s the need to get so angry? I will weave it according
to my guess. What’s the need to get physical? Why are you just listening
to them? Say something. You came alone.
You could’ve brought some girls with you to catch the lion. We need to catch the lion
and not Vijay Mallya. No need to get scared.
I’ve found a solution. What is it?
– Here, take it. What is it?
– Give it to me. Give it to me.
What is this? What is this?
– I’ve found the solution. Wow!
– Give it to me. – Here you go. What is this? – What is this?
– This is poison. Stupid, I would have
been dead now. When the lion would eat us,
it would get killed. Wow!
Amazing! – Wow! What an amazing group death have
you planned! – ‘Group death’! I’m sure he has teamed up
with the ‘Shradh Crows’. My Lord, grant me permission.
I’ll tear his brief live. Listen, I have an idea.
– What is it? Let’s push this fatso in front. If he goes there, the lion
would have eaten a lot of meat. It would be resting.
And we’ll catch it. What do you say?
– Very good. Shut your mouth.
Or else, I don’t take much time to become wild. Brother-in-law!
Did anything happen? He has 12 kids already.
What else do you want? Amazing! Amazing.. I’ve worked in
the Forest Department till now. I’ve seen less than 10 young
ones born to cats and dogs. He has overtaken them. If you arrange a cage, I’ll catch the lion.
– Is it so? Hey, you slow-thinker! You should have told us earlier. I’ve a cage, meant for parrot.
– Meant for parrot? – Yes. Who is this foolish woman? How will a lion fit
inside a parrot’s cage? No problem.
The cage is small, right? – Yes. Let’s get a small lion
fitting the small cage. We’ll request the parrot. It will stay in a hotel
for a few days. Hey!
We already have a lion. Why should we order another one?
– Right. I would like to give
the same idea. A diamond cuts a diamond.
– Fine. Likewise, the lion will
bite the lion. – I see. If we get another lion,
it will be fun. You fatso! We aren’t able to catch one.
You want to order another one! Listen to me. If one of you dress up as a lion
you can engage it in a conversation. And I will pounce on it
and catch it. I will go and catch it. Is that a lion or Ms. Sunita
to engage it in a conversation and catch it? No problem. Chandu is like our lion here. Anyway, he is useless.
– No.. I am not like a lion.
I am like a monkey. No..
I even act like a monkey. No..
– No.. No..
– Recognise your powers. You have long nails. And yellow teeth. You don’t look any less
than a lion, Chandu. You are like a lion.
– No, I am like a monkey. For my sake, Chandu. Please. For my sake. Bhoori, I can even give my life
for your sake. That’s what you have to give. No.
– Please, Chandu. Go, dress him up like a lion. Go.
– Come.. Go..
– Come. Are you feeling scared?
– I’m feeling a little scared. I am not feeling scared.
My lips are getting dry. I see. – What will we do
if the lion comes? No problem.
You interview it. I’ve never interviewed a lion.
– It’s not a big deal. You’ll have to ask
a few nonsensical questions. Nothing else. By questioning people, my mouth
has become like a question mark and you are saying
that it’s not a big deal. Excuse me, hello.
Greetings, sir. – Greetings. No..
– No.. Bless me. I am Shamsher Singh.
A hearty welcome to ‘The Kapil Sharma Show’. Please come, sit here. – Sit..
– Treat it as your own jungle. ‘Treat it as your own jungle.’ Please sit. – Would you like
to have some fruits? No..
How silly of me! I should be asking if it
wants chicken. – Of course. If not, it’ll eat you up
thinking you to be a chicken. Ask the question quickly. Should I ask the question? It’s a tiger, not Tiger Shroff
to give an answer. Ask the question. Mr. Lion, I am a big fan
of yours. I really admire your struggle. ‘I really admire your struggle’. You won’t believe, people
celebrate ‘Nag Panchami’. I celebrate ‘Sher Panchami’. What happens on that day?
– Something happens. You won’t understand. What..
– I’ll hit you with this stick. Nonsense! What do I ask?
– Ask whatever you want to. Mr. Lion.
– Yes. Your zodiac sign must
be Leo, right? Ask some nice question. What kind of a question is this?
– A nice question? – Yes. Then you ask the question.
Come on. You ask the question. Mr. Lion, I just wanted to know. Your favourite movie must be
‘Singh is King’. Right? You didn’t find even this funny? As it is, today, the others
are not showing up. Neither to massage
nor to crack jokes. I think my game
will be over today. Mr. Lion, the kids had
a question. – Go ahead. With your permission. The kids were saying that..
The whole world knows that the cat is your aunt. When the mouse teases them,
why don’t you take any action? No, I am not asking that.
People told that, not me. No problem, Mr. Lion. Amazing, Mr. Lion.
Amazing! What is the matter? Tell me.
– What should I tell you? What is the matter? The lion was saying that if you
interview him like this it will take you to the cave,
keep you for seven days and will eat you
little by little. Such a long answer
in such a small roar? – Yes. I swear on the lion!
I know their language. Mr. Lion is getting angry.
Ask the question quickly. Fine, now..
Mr. Lion, I had a question. You are the King of the Forest.
All right? I agree. What is the designation
of the monkey? ‘Designation.’ He’s a short-tempered fellow.
– Yes, he is. Laugh a little. Why are you so tense? Hold on. I had told you to get a lion.
You dressed him up like a lioness. Is this a lioness’s costume? Mr. Lion, the lioness is here
for passing your time. ‘Passing your time.’ Have some fun. Listen, how long will you
keep roaming around in the jungle as a lion? I would suggest
that you get married. When she would ask you,
‘Where were you?’ ‘Where were you all this while?’ If you don’t feel like a dog,
then tell me. Lovely! No.. Why is he coming near me? I think he has fallen in love
with you, ma’am. ‘Ma’am.’ Listen to me. You may eat me up if you wish. But don’t you dare
misbehave with me. We caught it. Very good!
I caught the lion. My photo will get published
in the newspaper tomorrow. Shut up. Finally, the police
managed to catch the lion. My photo will get published..
– Are you serious? I have put the net on it. But this was my idea. But I was the one who
spotted the lion first. But the lion had come
to my house. It misbehaved with me. I will kill it. Who will save you now, lion? Hold on.
I am not a real lion. I am a thief. What.. A thief?
– Yes. I had come to steal
in a lion’s costume. Oh!
A twist in the story? Step back. I’ll crush him under my vehicle. You can’t escape. Step back. – I’ll crush him
under my vehicle. Hold on.
Step back. I won’t let you escape.
– You are going back. Bring the lion behind me. How can we..
– You can’t escape. Catch him. Catch him. I won’t spare him.
Catch him. Catch him.. He is biting.
– Don’t let him go. Catch him.. Catch him.. Catch him.. So, friends,
sticking to my promise I’ll be facilitating
another meeting with them. Please welcome
with a roaring round of applause Mr. Salman Khan
and Katrina Kaif. Welcome, sir.. How are you, Kat? Please come, sir. A very warm
welcome to you. Katrina, please. Katrina,
we’ve very costly fruits. Please have it. If you want to order something
from outside, please do. A big budget producer
is here. Big budget, all right.. I heard that you even converse
with fruits and any food items in general. No..
But I do talk to items that I can’t eat. Seriously?
– Yes. What do you talk about? Well, for example,
a cake.. Shall I get one for you?
I must.. Even I am eager to see
how she talks to a cake. Bring it. Keep it in front of her. Now what?
– I’ll talk to it. Now, show us how converse
with it then we’ll tell you
how it is done. Listen, I adore you. But if I eat you, then I’ll have
to double my workout. But on Sunday,
we’ll meet for sure. Now, this is how I talk
to a cake. Sure. Oh, dear cake,
come to me. My dear, you won’t have
to wait till Sunday. We will..
– Eat it right away. Hey, you’re eating my cake. It’s a chocolate cake. Well.. The thing is..
– This one is good. See, I am not as lucky as you. I’ve to control a bit
as I’m dieting. Oh.. Listen, food should never go
to waste. Especially, if it’s us
who bought it. But, Kapil.. I do remember. We were shooting
‘De Dhana Dhan’ in Singapore. All of us ordered a lot.. But in the end,
on top of all this we had ordered a smoothie,
maybe mango smoothie. I requested her so much
to eat something. She denied.
I offered her a smoothie. You even refused smoothie. I mean, such strict dieting. What is there in a smoothie?
I wondered. You’re bothered about a
smoothie. She refused me! Take it away
or else, we’ll polish it off. Bring it here.. Ms. Archana, want
some? – Absolutely, why not.. Bring some more,
that’s not enough. Here you go, Ms. Archana.
It’s all yours. – Keep it here. I’ll take care of it.
– Thank you. – Thank you. Let me tell you why.
– Yes, why? As fruits have a lot of sugar. I am not as fit as her. How would I know about
the sugar content? No..
– She knows better. You’re high on sugar,
she’s high on God’s grace! Ms. Katrina, what all food items
should one avoid to trim down? Sugar.
Refined sugars. The kind that is present.. What we ate.
– Yes. – Okay. What you just ate.. – It was
satisfying. – And pizza.. Pizzas, cakes, fritters.. She’s ordering a lot, isn’t she?
– Samosas.. I’m salivating. Ice-cream.
– Oh, lovely. – Take her order. Let me tell you
the good stuff to eat. Yes, please.
– For your health Dosa, Neer Dosa, rice.. What did you say
after Dosa? Neer Dosa.. What is that?
– The thing is, what I know is that it help you improve
your dancing. I’ve seen Prabhu Deva eating it.
– Oh, is it? So,
a few kids had this question. Despite being such a big star you must’ve worn rubber slippers
in your childhood. At times, when you walk,
the slippers comes off and your feet pops out..
Then we insert it back. Have you ever done that
in life? I do it even these days.
– Is it? – Absolutely. And slippers go back a long way as when we were kids,
we were all used to wearing our dad’s slippers.
– Yes, indeed. The worn out blue slipper
outside the washroom the favourite slipper.. We all used to wear it. Those were such comfy slippers,
that of my dad. As it was bigger in size. I used to wear it and wander.. I got a lot of beatings
for that. – All right. As dad couldn’t find his
slipper when he went to bath. He used to erupt!
‘Where is my slipper?’ ‘Salman,
where is my slipper?’ So, this history of slippers
have always been a part of my household. And the slippers.. I used to wear it.
– Okay. But when we had to flee
from somewhere these slippers somehow
were in my hands. Stuck to your hands.. We used to run,
grabbing it by its ears. What is the point if you don’t
wear it when you run? That’s a good point. Katrina, have you ever
had an experience? That you went to a party,
all dolled up wearing high heels and one heel broke off and you had to
readjust yourself.. Has it ever happened to you? No, nothing of that sort
ever happened. Okay. – But one day,
while climbing up the stage my dress ripped
from the side. Okay.
– Yes. The sort of dresses we wear..
– Yes. There is a small slit
by the side. – Yes. It ripped a lot more.. Few people were around me.. I asked them to get
a needle and thread. They came and stitched it up. All the way down.
– That’s it.. Another question for you, sir. All of your fans
have it in their mind. They say that every girl dreams
about Salman Khan. And every boy dreams
of Katrina. What kind of dreams
do you have? Yes.. She comes in for real,
but not in my dreams. Okay. In my dreams.. I don’t want this dream.
– This one? This specific dream..
– It will. – Yes. Let the dream take over you but
let it not disturb your sleep. Have you ever had
strange dreams? As if you were running,
but you’re rooted to the spot. That’s my favourite dream. It’s my favourite dream the location is my old house where we have a cottage,
a small path.. There are buildings
on either side a wall in in front,
a garage as well.. Mrs. Gudinho’s house
on this side where we used to play Cricket and I’m running from there.. I’m moving that way.. I start flying,
a few people are chasing me.. Then I’m flying,
at this height.. Okay..
– I keep on trying. They’re trying to grab my feet. I’m pushing myself further.. But I can’t go further up.. The height is still the same
as I fly.. And it went on all night. It actually happens
while you’re dreaming. What about those dreams
of falling? – Yes. A fall?
– Yes. – Keep falling.. No, not for me.
– You keep falling.. You feel like you’re falling
from the mountains.. Is it?
– It’s incredible. Falling off a building,
a mountain.. And in reality,
you fall from your bed. Actually.
– That happens. Do you’ve that dream
wherein you’re holding a gun? No.
– Not with a gun. No? Oh!
Why did I have it? It happens at times
that we jump over some hurdle. Even a sleeping guy does
something like that. – Yes.. Isn’t it?
– That happens. It happens often.
– Indeed. Once, there was a..
Just recently, a month ago I saw my bodyguard,
his name is Vinod he is sleeping.. He dozed off
and he fell over there. He rushes to me
and asks what happened. And I say,
somebody kicked me from behind. He is half-asleep. And he fell off the chair. Must’ve kicked hard! Katrina, do you have
such dreams? No, not such dreams.. She must be having beautiful
dreams, about ‘Bharat’.. About pastries and cakes,
right? Once more? First of all say,
Hail Bihar! Hail Bihar..
– Hail Punjab.. Hail Delhi!
– Hail Delhi! Hail Patna!
– Hail Patna! Hail Shimla!
– Hail Shimla! Hail Goa!
– Hail Goa! Hail Malad!
– Hail Malad! Hail Kandivali!
– Hail Kandivali! Are you contesting the election? After all, Bharat is here! Today, I’ll hail
the whole of India. Big round of applause! Please come.. Today, I can proudly say that one girl has unilaterally
brought India forward And I say it proudly India will watch
today’s episode. What are you doing?
I’m roaming around India. Huge applause for Mr. Salman. Hello, Ma’am. How are you? I’m fine.
– My name is Sapna. I’m from Nalasopara.
– I see. On behalf of Nalasopara,
Namaste Nalasopara. What’s Namaste Nalasopara? She starred in ‘Namaste London’. I’m from Nalasopara.
So ‘Namaste Nalasopara’. I’m a big fan,
I’ve watched all your movies. You starred in ‘Rajneeti’,
right? See where it has got you. And then there’s another one who had to leave
because of politics. Well said.. Laugh some more.. You’ll earn enough to buy
a bungalow. Your life is sorted. Keep clapping
and buying bungalows. Ms. Katrina.. I’m a huge fan of yours. I saw you..
Why am I speaking English? Please speak in Hindi. I’ve seen all your songs. ‘Afghan Jalebi’.. And now ‘Meethi Chashni’.. So, I wanted to ask you who writes your songs? Lyricists or confectioners? Did she ask you if you go
to the ladies room or the gent’s room? Look at him.. First of all,
a huge round of applause for the promo of Bharat! Yes. Mind blowing. The promo was amazing. My guy.. Mukesh.. Which guy? My boyfriend in Nalasopara,
Mukesh. He runs a pig bathing service. So we takes pigs, you know.. We wash them there. We scrub the black ones
till they’re pink. Sapna, why are we
discussing pigs here? Because I love pigs. Pigs are so cute, you know. They look like this.. And they sit in mud
with a pout like that. No one even takes
a selfie with them. Selfie! Mr. Salman, I heard a dialogue
in your movie ‘My hair and my beard
might be gray..’ Right.
‘But I’ve had a colourful life.’ Mukesh also has gray hair but his life is not colourful.
What do I do? You only have gray
in your beard and hair. But he has gray hair
even on his chest. He has to colour it black. But nothing’s happening. You’re talking nonsense again! Get lost now. Hey! Don’t talk about leaving. You know how stressful it is? For Archana, not me. Obviously it’s stressful because the elections are over. Sapna, can you say
anything worthwhile? Worthwhile, is it?
– Yes. Sir, please sign me
as the female lead in ‘Dabangg 3’. See? No response. What’s the use of saying
anything worthwhile? I’d much rather talk nonsense. Sir.. You have such a
wonderful physique. You’ve reigned as a superstar
for decades and your movies have been
box office hits. You produced our show
and it’s doing well too. So? – Could you lend me
Rs. 10 crore? Rs. 10 crore! You ask for only a crore
from others. – yes. So, did any of them
actually shell out? This way, I can at least
about the fact that I lost Rs. 10 crore! So, sir..
I live in Nalasopara. I’ll be needing you
for two days. Why two days? A day each
travelling to and fro. But why do you need him? He’s the producer.
He gets to decide that. Not me. No, actually I’m kidding. You all have seen
‘Bajrangi Bhaijaan’, right? What a wonderful movie. So, in the movie Mr. Salman
sings a song “Today’s party is on me..” So, everyone in Nalasopara is waiting for the party. Anyway, that’s not important. Now, let’s get down
to business. Ma’am..
I run a beauty parlour here. ‘Sapna Beauty Parlour’. We have
different types of massage. For Mr. Salman, there’s
‘Prem Ratan Dhan Paayo’. What’s that?
– What we do in that is.. We apply oil on the customer and grab his limbs like that.
– Okay. I have two friends,
Prem and Ratan. they both run away
with customer’s money. That’s why,
‘Prem Ratan Dhanpayo.’ – Yes. This is who we are. Next we have is
‘Dabang’ massage. What is that?
– Okay.. In this massage,
we bent customer’s legs and put it around
their neck. And hands,
we let it hang like this.. Okay. In this type of massage,
customers doesn’t know what to do and neither do we. For you, Ma’am,
we have a special massage called ‘Afghan Jalebi.’
– What’s that about? In this massage,
we apply oil to the customer and then we send in
two Afghan men. When they go in,
they massage them so hard that the customer
starts to urinating. And the last special
massage is called ‘Tere Naam.’
– I see. What’s with that?
– We remove customer’s clothes and I apply oil on their body and place two pieces of
cucumber on their eyes. Then I take a selfies
with their body and then I blackmail them
with those pictures and ask all their wealth
as ransomed. Lovely..
– This is how we give massages. Now you will ask me to
leave. I won’t leave.. Yes.. – There is reason
behind it – What.. Sir, you’ve been a producer
for the last six months and people have been praising
me for my performances. Yes! SONY has given me
a chance to run my own show What kind? I tell you all in a bit. Sir, I request you to go
and watch our reality show.. Where? – Yes
– Put the set on, people. So welcome to my show called
‘ Sapna’s Weirdoes!’ ‘Mukesh Swine absence.’ He’s presence! Is Mukesh here? No, right?
He’s absence, right? Why would you
call him presence? He is poor in English..
Ms. Katrina, please tech him. Okay. – And my show is
grandeur than yours. You have
smaller fruits in your show. I’ve brought
six feet long sugarcanes. Mine is bigger.. Show.. And you know,
Salman, my first day, today I’m getting emotional.. It really a big work,
to make a reality show. You see, usually
the reality show people have to go
and look for talents. We didn’t bother
to do such things. We’ve picked up people
from the audience. So let’s begin our show sow the first contest is Kriti Bhanushali, from Kutch! Kriti.. Who is this? Is that Kriti Bhanishali? We said
Kirti Bhanushali? I’m Kirti Bhanushali, Sir. Just like me, right?
– Yes. Amazing! Sir, you’ve worn a tight shirt.
Your ribs must’ve crushed. Anyway,
what would you like to show us? I have an instrument. People
call is a winding instrument we call is Morsing. Okay. Mr. Salman,
I’m playing it now. Wow! Are you planning to
play it for next two hours? No! – Then we’ll surely
be entertained. Sir, music is everywhere. Music is all over the place.
Even in a normal paper. Is that so?
Hey, you all.. From now,
you all are fired. We don’t need
any instrument as such. What else can you do, Sir? This piece of paper has a
hidden music in it, Mr. Salman.. How so?
– I’ll show you. [Kirti[There is a puppy
in this piece of paper. A puppy? I can see it.
You may not.. Look at this paper. Hey!
– Wow! How cute!
– One must observe such things. Mr. Salman,
I also a calligraphy artist. I would like to draw
a few lines and write your name
in an art form. Please, Sir.. Go ahead.. Thank you. He has real talents,
Sapna. How come.. There are many
like him in Nalasopara. It’s almost magical..
I won’t write your name. But you’ll see soon. Do you see it?
– How is that possible? You can’t..
– What is there to look at? Just a second! S, A, L M, A, N K, H, A, N. Oh, Wow! That was great! Mr. Salman, would you
like to comment on his talents? Write Kapil Sharma’s name.. Yes, Sir. Watch me.. There you go, Sir..
– Wow. Okay.
Write Sapna’s name.. Only the outline.. Not this way, friend.. Oh, I see.. Yes. Like that..
– Okay. Sapna. The outline..
– Sapna.. Sir.. Wow! Is this the right..
– Yes, Sir. A line.. Over here..
– Here? Just a single line.. This way, right?
– Yes. And letter N..
– Yes, this way.. Sapna.. Yes, Sir.. Amazing! Wow!
Thank you for writing my name. Not just in Nalasopara people like him
are found in Bandra as well. Thank you, Sir.
You were great.. The first contestant did well. Please give him a big hand.. Did you see my talent? Let’s call upon
our next contestants Adesh and Monica from Delhi. Please welcome them.. Hi, Adesh! So you both are
from Delhi, right? Yes, Delhi.. What are you
going to do today? We would like to
perform a scene from Salman’s movies. Are you two newly wed?
– Yes. Congratulations. You
should’ve gone for honeymoon. Why come here? This is was more important
than honeymoon. Congratulations
to both of you. Thank you, Sir. What’s up with the pot? ‘How much for the pot?’ ‘Sir, for twenty rupees..’ ‘I don’t want your money,
Sir.’ ‘I’ve only showed love
so far. Don’t make me hit you.’ ‘I’m not afraid
of the beating, Sir.’ ‘I’m afraid of love.’ Thank you.
Very good. – Thank you.. I’ll give you a suggestion..
– Thank you. Very good. Stay away from Mr. Salman. Stay away from Shera. Thank you.
A round of applause for them. Very nice.
Thank you.. Beautiful. Thank you. The third contestant
is about to come here. Sanju Taliwal from Punjab. A huge round of applause
for him. Hey. He looks like me with a beard. Hi. How are you?
– I’m fine. You even have a gap
between your teeth. You probably never have germs
in your mouth. They probably
get out from there. Very.. What will you do today? He’ll pull trucks with his hair. I’ll dance and sing. Dancing and singing?
We’re excited to see that. Did you wear that
because Mr. Salman wears it? Because sir wears it.
– Did it change your life? It changed my life a lot. His hair grew a lot
after wearing it. Sir, show us your talent. Show it well. Oh!
Good God! You can dress up as a girl
at night and rob people. I might rob you. Hey!
Go away. You did a good job. Take the gift.
– Take this. This is for you. Sir, I want to meet you.
– Yes.. Thank you.
– Thank you, sir. Use the sugarcane well. Make juice out of it. What else do you do? Why are you scared?
– No.. You’re an artist.
Be brave. Yes.
Be brave and do a bad job. Yes. What do you do in the real life,
Sanju? You don’t know? He does this.
– He stays free. What?
– You do this, right? What do you do? – I haven’t
thought about it yet. Okay.
– Hey.. Sir..
– You still have time to think. Yes. I’ve time.
– You’ve time. What’s your age? 27, sir.
– 27? Yes.. – You still have
40 years to think about it. He has a lot of time.
In my place people think about
what they want to do in their lives after
they turn 40 years old. Sir. Sing for us too. ‘Jab Koi Baat Bigad Jaye’. Oh..
– Wow.. Wow.
– It’s already bad for you. I’m sure that he’ll sing well.
– Yes. He’ll sing well. – I’m sure..
– Mr. Salman has a lot of expectations from you. You carry them.
I don’t know. Wow!
– Give him a D-minor. Otherwise, he’ll
have a major problem. Sing..
God will take you in. Thank you.
– Thank you.. Very good. Thank you
for coming to our show. I’ll talk to you later. Thank you. Yes!
He’s here. Hello, Archana ma’am.
Hello, Kapil sir. – Hello.. Why have you closed
your collar button? Have you tied your neck? No, sir.
It’s comfortable. You can open it.
No one will see your cleavage. Open it. Yes, relax. Yes, Tabrez.. Greetings, Mr. Salman.
– Greetings.. My name is Sapna.
Talk. Yes.. Sapna ma’am. I want to give Mr. Salman
a poem. Oh!
– You want to give it to him? Yes, ma’am. You have to recite a poem
not give one, right? No..
I just have a poem to give. I have nothing else to give. I want to give him a poem
Ms. Katrina. Please say ‘wow’ if you like it. Wow..
– Start reciting. Recite the poem.
– Wow.. Start it. Wow.. ‘You laugh amongst thousands..’
– Wow.. ‘Just like how
a flower laughs..’ – Wow.. ‘Just like how a flower..’
– Hey, you’re cheating! He’s cheating.. Is it written?
– No, sir. Here..
– No.. Sapna, you’re cheating.
Your contestants are reading it. ‘You laugh..’ ‘You laugh amongst thousands.’ Why are you reading it? You confused me. Hey, shrimp! Did they catch you from a lake? Recite it.. It’s okay..
– Recite it.. It’s okay, recite it. You can read it.
– Tell it.. Silence.. Let’s hear it.
– Recite it.. ‘You laugh amongst..’ ‘You laugh amongst thousands.’ Wait.. Stay there. Stay there.. Stay there. Stay there. Show me your hand. Read it from here. Now..
– Yes. Recite it now.
– Now. Yes. He’s like me.
He can’t read it fluently. Yes. I understood that he doesn’t understand his handwriting. Even I can’t understand
my handwriting. ‘You laugh amongst thousands.’ Tell us more!
You keep saying that! ‘You laugh amongst thousands.’ What have you written
after that? I’ll tell. ‘You laugh amongst thousands’ ‘just like how flowers
laugh in spring.’ ‘You shine in the world
just like how the moon’ ‘shines amongst the stars.’ Wow.. He said it! What else do you do? I’m a huge fan of Mr. Salman.
– Okay – I can walk like him. Okay.
Walk. Wait. Shall I do it?
– Yes. Please welcome,
Neha from Mumbai. A round of applause for Neha. Hi.
– How are you? Basically, I’ll be dancing
on an iconic song from one of Salman’s movies. Sure.. Thank you! – Wow!
– That was amazing! I tried my best.
I know I messed up a bit. No, you did really well.
– I hope you like it. I did it for you.
– I really liked it. I’m very impressed, thank you.
– Thank you. – It was too good. This is the first performance
I liked. Otherwise your show is trash! Mr. Salman, would you
like to comment? We have ‘Fantastic’,
‘Mind Blowing’ “Weird” and “Trash”. Should I comment for everyone? Yes, please.
That’s important. This is for the previous ones. What!
– Trash. Mind blowing.
– Thank you! Thank you.
– Thank you.. Thank you, Neha. – Thank you.
– Thank you. Now, we’ve seen
all our contestants But the best is usually
saved for the last. So, let’s have
a huge round of applause for our favourite Titli! Titli.. Oh! What happened? My sons, Karan
and Arjun will come! They’ll emerge out of the earth! They come on a bulldozer. My Karan Arjun will.. Oh, no. It’s stuck.
They’ll come! Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! Listen..
Mr. Salman has seen that before. Ms. Rakhi would imitate herself better than you.
What is this? She’d be better at this
20 years ago. I’ll do a variation. Okay?
– Okay. Now, I’ll do this
in comedy style. – Okay. – Okay? My.. My sons.. My sons.. They’ll come cracking jokes.. They’ll come..
Rolling in laughter.. My sons, Karan and Arjun
will come! Run, Arjun. Run!
Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! Tell me something. Have your sons taken
a bank loan? No.- Then
what are they running from? Shut up! Dear viewers, now I’ll present the same act in angry style. My sons, Karan
and Arjun will come! They’ll emerge out of the earth! They’ll come wielding swords,
Vishambhar! My sons, Karan
and Arjun will come! Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! Hey! Have you raised your sons on petrol instead of milk? No! – Then why do they run
all the time? Shut up.
Go and sit over there. Dear viewers, I’ll now present
the same act in tragedy style.
– Okay. They’ll emerge out of the earth! My sons.. Run, Arjun. Run!
Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! My sons, Karan and Arjun
arrived and left as well.
Thank you so much. Now, last but not the least I’ll present to you,
the same act in dessert style. Pass me the mangoes, quick! Here you go. You look like
the witch of Malad. “Juicy..” Katrina, do you remember? My sons Karan and Arjun
will come! They’ll come this way and leave that way.
My.. Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! Run, Arjun. Run! Thank you. Well done! Well done, Titli.
– You see, Mr. Salman.. My sons have been running
for the last 20 years but they still haven’t won
a marathon. Katrina, do you want some?
Juicy.. Hey! The way you’re beginning
to act saucy you better leave soon. Hey, Sapna! You witch! Don’t go by my grey hair. My hair and beard
may have greyed but I’ve a very colourful life. Hey.. You witch! Where do you have a beard? So what if I don’t? I have faith that
I’ll grow one soon. How come have so much faith? Because faith can move
mountains. Just like Archana had faith
that someday she’d be able to replace
Mr. Sidhu just like that I know I’ll grow a beard. Mr. Salman, Ms. Katrina.. Please come over to my house. It’s right behind, over there.
When you come, I’ll.. “Welcome you with a ‘Saag’!”
– Hold on! It’s swag not ‘Saag’. I don’t know the recipe of swag and neither can I make it. I’m good with ‘Saag’ and that’ what
I’ll welcome you with. Please come over. Mr. Salman, what would you
like to say about her performance? Wow! So, Mr. Salman, she has managed to ruin your mood with her act. Now, let’s call her husband to ruin Ms. Katrina’s mood. Huge round of applause
for Baccha Yadav! Wait a minute!
I’ll get my husband here. Mr. Salman, did you see
how beautiful I am from within? Sir, my husband
has laid a condition. He is not willing to come here as long as his condition
is fulfilled. The condition is
that if a great personality like Kapil Sharma sings a live song he will come here otherwise he will be leaving
from the back entrance while riding his buffalo. Kapil, will you sing a song?
– Yes, call him. Where is your husband?
– He will sing. Come here! Listen, baby! My love!
– ‘My love!’ Give Mr. Salman
and Ms. Katrina Kaif a big round of applause. Thank you..