Taking Trucker Speed from an Old Woman – David Gborie – Unmic’d


– We all go to sleep,
we turn out the lights, I’m asleep on the floor and
then he lets the dogs in. Like a fucking psycho. (upbeat music) My name is David Gborie
and this is the time I took trucker speed
from an old woman. I was like 22, I’d been
doing comedy for a year. I’m basically pro,
let’s go on a tour. One of my friends, he’d been
on tours as a punk band. So he’s like, “I know all
these dudes with garages “I play, we’ll just tell these
same guys were doing comedy. “What could go wrong?” We were doing a show in
Tulsa, we got almost to Tulsa the night before and
we ran out of gas, we only had five
dollars cash but we were across the street from a casino. So we decided to go gamble
our last five dollars and we made it $40
and we got enough gas to get into Tulsa and the
man that we’re staying with, I don’t know the term,
he was like a creep. Out of nowhere he’d be like,
“oh yeah, my mom used to cook, “that was one of my
favorite things about her.” (whistling) And he was like, “I only
have two couches here, “there are three of you
guys, you have to draw straws “for who’s gonna
sleep on the floor.” I drew the short straw
’cause I’m a fuckin’ idiot. This guy also didn’t
tell me he had dogs. We all go to sleep, we
turn out the lights, I’m asleep on the floor and
then he lets the dogs in like a fuckin’ psycho. I was like, I don’t even
think I like comedy this much, like I don’t think
it’s worth it. We wake up, unprovoked he’s
like, “dude there’s gonna be “these girls tonight and
they’re gonna be DTF.” And I was like, “hey bro, it’s
11 am, I wanna eat breakfast, “I smell like your weird dogs.” And it gets closer to show
time, the show that’s gonna be in this man’s garage
and nobody’s coming. They’ll be coming,
they’ll be coming. Showtime comes around,
nobody comes, surprise! So this dude’s like,
“alright, well you know what, “there’s an open mic in
town, I’m gonna take you “to Tulsa’s great
open mic scene.” And we fucking bomb
really really bad. And I smelled like
dogs and I was like, fucking stand-up
comedy sucks right. After the show he
comes up to us, “Oh shit, everybody
showed up to my house, “the shows on, and
trust me, like I said, “all these chicks, all
over you guys bro.” We go into his
garage and it’s four of his very married
neighbors, like yeah, “our husbands are coming,
we just showed up early.” It sucks, but I’m like a
real artist or whatever, you could tell that
by my demeanor, so I was like, the
show must go on, we have to do the show. It went about as good as you
would think that situation would go, but one of the
real housewives of Tulsa was wasted and she loved it. She gives us like super
drunk old white lady hugs and my buddy, who
she liked the best, she was hugging him
and like dancing and then I see her
hand go in her pocket and then into his pocket. Oh shit, I bet it wasn’t money! Dude, look what this lady
gave me and it was like, are you guys
familiar with crank? The drug crank? It was like dingy,
yellow, go fast pills and we had to be in New
Orleans the next night. He was like, “listen you can
either sleep on this floor “next to these dogs
again or we can take “all this trucker speed now
and just drive to New Orleans.” And we didn’t realize, I
think we thought it was like Adderall and not
like amphetamines. Six hours later, we’re crossing
the boarder into Louisiana from Texas, me and my
friend are holding hands and the sun is rising
and we’re like, “I’m so glad I’m on this
journey of life with you! “I’d rather do this
with no other person! “I love you so much!” And then we drove to
New Orleans, you know, had a pretty good
show, ate some Po Boys. (dramatic music)

10 thoughts on “Taking Trucker Speed from an Old Woman – David Gborie – Unmic’d”

  1. I'm so glad, I'm on this journey of life with you.πŸ˜†πŸ˜…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œπŸ˜„πŸ˜…πŸ˜œπŸ˜…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜„

  2. dont eat ANY MORE Po' boys, david.
    dont eat too much of anything, actually.
    youre dangerously overweight.
    youre obviously a Great Comedian and Speaker, though.
    just be careful.

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