Sean Patton – Comedy Up Late 2018 (S6, E4)


Please, clap your hands together and make him very welcome It’s the amazing Sean Patton! Oh, that was lovely You made me feel a real emotion, thank you Thank you, back for yourself, give it back to yourselves Give it back to yourselves! You’re the real stars tonight! Thank you I needed that, I’m feeling way fatter, I mean I’m pretty… Like this, you know.. I’m not I’m not fooling anyone with the black Tshirt I’m not as slim as I’d like to be I figured out the problem I can taste food So I keep eating it Think about that. Your sense of taste Truthfully is useless All it does is kill you eventually Like your other 4 senses keep you alive, you know? You see the bear, so you run. You hear the avalanche. Duck! You smell the fire, run again You feel the fire. I could of stayed with fire, I realise that For all of the… I just wanted to paint a broader spectrum But you will never Taste your way out of danger You will never witness nor experience a moment where someone’s like Man I just… Run He has a gun Someone has a pistol, a 9 millimetre I taste I don’t want any cocaine Let’s be clear about that Right off the bat. People seem to love offering me cocaine More than I am comfortable with receiving I don’t want any. Remember cocaine Round of applause, who here’s done cocaine? Yea alright You know no one here’s on cocaine, that applause would of come way faster Yea I remember cocaine like it was 11 years ago It’s a good time, you know? That was the last time I did it. That first toot, that’s a fun one Cause that’s when you’re like, oh ok. So that’s a heartbeat. Interesting I’ve been living my entire life with only half my heart working That’s pretty cool! What else don’t I know about myself? I’ll do some more And then that second toot, that’s where it really gets ya Where you’re like, I’m the smartest person in this room this is insane. Everything I say is. Everything I say is so well thought out and so poetic and poignant and so god damn funny and so hilarious and so punctual and so functual. Functual, that’s a word, I just made up a word. Functual. Who gives a shit. I make words up, cause I’m the best, at speaking and thinking, oh shit Everybody in this rooms trying to fuck me at the same time, isn’t that insane? This whole room is conspiring to have sex with me. I might just let them do it Cause I’m the best In fact, first I’m going to do that, because I’m the best at doing that And then that third toot That’s the one where you could go, I’ll murder the next motherfucker I see with curly hair! So don’t. Two toots is all you really need I had a gentleman Offer me cocaine once out of nowhere And I said, oh no thank you, I have a heart problem Which I don’t have But you’d think, that would be enough To make someone un-offer you Coke. But instead, the guy goes, what? man, fuck your heart That’s the most coked up thing I’ve ever heard a human being say By round of applause, who here has never been tested for a sexually transmitted disease Ok. No one touch anyone in this fucking room What is wrong with you? That’s disgusting It’s not enjoyable, I mean I don’t know how they do it down here in Australia In the US, where I’m from, if you’re male they will swab your urethra I know, with a Q-tip I know, right in there You have to stand there, holding your penis like it’s a gun shot victim in a western Stay still! The doc’s gonna come pour Bourbon on the bullet hole You just have to just stand. And then they come over and just insert I know lady! You don’t even have a penis But don’t worry, it doesn’t actually hurt the penis, you don’t even feel it Actually in your penis. You feel it everywhere else on your body You feel it in like your ear Where its supposed to be Ok that’s where that belongs I mean its far worse It’s far worse for women though. From what I understand From what I gather, women have to go and get naked from the waste down And then sit in a chair with stirrups And they spread your legs wide, mechanically wider than necessary And then the doctor comes in Releases a wild meerkat into your vagina and says go! Return on the third moon And how long is that? in calendar days You don’t really know, you just gotta eyeball it. Like I think that’s been 3 moons And then you go back I’m back and the doc goes. Oh she has returned! Blow the horn of Mordoria And then the Meercat comes back. Ah what news have you friend? What news of her innards? Oh it’s bald, you have aids no big deal. Get tested! You’re the best! thank you very much! Enjoy the rest of your lives!

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